“A son is the mother’s weakness and a daughter belongs to the father. If you have a son, you’re lucky. If you have a daughter, you cease to exist.”
That particular cliché never meant much to me. I always had a soft spot for daughters. I wanted my first child to be a girl—a little friend to bake cookies with, to braid her hair, to dress her in garlands. Eventually, our first child was a girl. Her father fell in love with her. The second child, also a girl. Her father was smitten. And I was thrilled too. But then… I started to panic. I feared I had been pushed aside.
I’m a professional psychologist—counsellor and psychotherapist. Every month, I contribute to helping parents raise their children with the right guidance. And yet, a few years after the birth of our second child, I began having the same nightmare over and over. I dreamt that I was living in a house where I was no longer “the expert,” where I had lost all credibility. I was simply the mother of two daughters—daughters who were their father’s weaknesses—the only man in the house. No one respected my knowledge or the years I had invested in studying and attending seminars. I even considered (in my dreams) moving out to the garden with our Chihuahua. At least in my sleep, the dog would listen to me. Needless to say, in those dreams, the dog was male.
In those nightmares, I would endlessly explain to my husband that children need consistency. Both parents must be aligned, united in how they apply and enforce the rules they’ve agreed on. Otherwise, children will always side with the parent who caters to their whims. Of course, when they’re young, they’ll love that parent more—the one who never says “no.” But let’s be honest: the right parent, in the eyes of a child, is often the “bad” one—the one who sets boundaries, says “no” when needed, and even enforces consequences when rules aren’t followed.
It’s through these necessary “no’s” that we establish clear boundaries for our children and prepare them for the real world. As adults, if we park illegally, we get fined. The officer won’t give us a pass. If we grew up being allowed to eat endless sweets, as adults we’ll be visiting dietitians or dentists. Our metabolism won’t turn a blind eye to that third or fourth piece of chocolate. And the parent who indulged us won’t be the one paying for our dental fillings—or helping us handle rejection and frustration in adulthood. Self-discipline isn’t learned at thirty. If it’s not instilled in childhood, it’s not coming later. The parent who turned a blind eye then won’t be there to guide you when you go off the rails later.
Children with healthy boundaries have higher self-esteem. They tend to be more disciplined, responsible, grounded, and socially well-adjusted. They understand where their limits end and where others’ begin. They’re aware of the consequences of their actions, and this awareness offers a sense of personal security. Because they develop communication skills and respect for others, they grow into adults who respect moral and social rules.
For parents to raise children with healthy boundaries, they themselves must be boundary-aware. They must understand that saying “no” when appropriate is essential for their child’s wellbeing—and they shouldn’t feel guilty when their child is displeased. There are peaceful ways to say “no.” For example: instead of “If you don’t do your homework, you won’t watch your movie,” say “You can watch your favourite movie once your homework is done.” It’s not about exerting power—it’s about positive communication.
It’s equally important to give children responsibility for their actions by explaining the consequences (e.g., what happens if they eat too many sweets or don’t wash their hands). Letting them feel some degree of control by offering choices is also helpful. For instance, taking a bath isn’t optional—but they can choose which parent helps them with it.
What’s most crucial, however, is unity and clear communication between both parents. There must be consistency in setting and enforcing rules. The “good” parent must realize that raising a well-adjusted child is more important than being the favourite who never says “no.” Only parents, as adults, can guide their child early on and prepare them for society. Clear and consistent boundaries provide children with a sense of security and peace—both within the family and in broader social settings. Children who are raised with proper limits will grow into emotionally healthy and law-abiding citizens.
For many nights, I kept waking up from the same bad dream. No doubt it stemmed from the countless sessions with parents in conflict. Thankfully, my husband and I generally agreed on how to raise and discipline our children, and over time, the nightmare faded.
My advice to all parents—so you don’t end up living this nightmare in real life—is to always communicate clearly with each other when raising your children. Say the big “no” together, when it’s needed. The word “no” may be short, but it comes with power. It starts and ends with a vowel. It’s sharp. It brings resistance. Grandparents will always say “yes.” And while saying “yes” may be easier, children need their parents. And the right parents are the ones who know how to say “no.”
