What is Anger
Anger is a fundamental and natural human reaction that usually manifests when we feel that our identity is being threatened in some way, whether by feeling wronged, hurt, dissatisfied, or insulted. There are many words in our vocabulary to describe anger depending on its intensity, ranging from frustration and irritation to rage.
Like any emotion, anger is accompanied by physical and biological reactions (e.g., increased heart rate, secretion of stress-related hormones) and can be triggered by both external events and internal emotional states.
Intense and frequent outbursts of anger are often linked to unresolved issues from the past that we project onto the present and have not been able to handle functionally. As a result, we struggle to manage our anger effectively in the present.
Emotional Consequences of Repressed Anger
Often, suppressed anger (anger that has been internalized) can lead to depression, various psychosomatic illnesses, and even heart disease. Chronic denial of anger may also result in apathy or passive-aggressive behavior, meaning an indirect or hidden expression of anger (e.g., subtle or behind-the-scenes actions). The recipient of passive-aggressive behavior becomes confused because the aggression is not expressed openly.
Reasons for Suppressing Anger
People often “swallow” their anger when:
They want to avoid a possible confrontation: Deep down, they may fear that they won’t be able to handle the discussion with the other person or their own unpleasant emotions.
They fear rejection: “Others will misunderstand me or form a negative impression of me.”
They worry that their relationships will be damaged.
They hold certain stereotypes such as, “A woman must be sweet to be attractive,” or even childhood stereotypes like “Good girls don’t complain.”
They believe that for some reason, “It is inappropriate” or “not acceptable” to express anger openly and that anger is a bad emotion.
Childhood Factors
Below are examples of childhood experiences that may have conditioned you to express your anger in inappropriate and unproductive ways:
If you had parents who denied or “swallowed” their anger.
If you were a victim of emotional or physical abuse from a parent or another significant person who frequently lost control.
If you were blamed for the anger of others.
If you were unfairly punished for your first outbursts of anger as a child (often by very authoritarian parents).
If your family environment encouraged your anger and its “incorrect” expressions (e.g., “You did well to hit back,” “Get revenge when they least expect it”).
If you were not taught more constructive ways to express anger.
If your mind was fed an excessive dose of destructive and violent anger.
If your family model taught you to endure anger silently (e.g., parents who tolerated everything without complaining).
The Consequences of Destructive Anger
Since anger is an intense emotion, angry individuals often react violently toward others and even toward themselves, leading to serious personal and psychosocial consequences:
Guilt and shame that lead to low self-esteem and/or self-destruction.
Disruptions in relationships within the family, friendships, and broader social or professional circles.
Emotional abuse of family members, especially children, who are likely to replicate the patterns of their parental family in adulthood.
Breakdown in marital relationships, which may lead to divorce.
Health problems (e.g., heart disease).
Healthy Expression of Anger
It is crucial to be able to express anger assertively rather than aggressively, meaning in an effective way that benefits both sides. Being assertive does not necessarily mean being forceful or demanding. It primarily means respecting both ourselves and others. We must learn to manage and control our anger before it takes control of us.
